Cock-A-Doodle-DEAD

The year is eigh-teen-six-deh-tee-two (1862), the separated states of what is to be America are at war over unpopular policy from first year Republican President Abraham Lincoln. For almost a year, soldiers of the Northern union states have been exchanging Pewter bullet fire with the south using a cutting edge military strategy called "man fence". The war has effected life everywhere, mothers send their son's to war while northern industry and commerce has halted, no one avoids the bitter taste of war, and no one more than the small town of Bennetsville, South Carolina.

Bennetsville, being only a 2 day Oxen ride to Fort Sumter is no stranger to big news and strange happenings, but nothing could have prepared the small farming town for........

Molasses was the town specialty, and everyone had their own variation of the sweet sugar beet syrup. Who would have guessed that their molasses would lead to MU_MU_MURDER.

As history tells, Talburt Hedgeston III a poultry farmer and moonshine enthusiast was responsible for THEM......

It is believed that an accidental cross contamination of highly potent Alcohol, Talburt's disdain for the North, and a batch of sweet Molasses was leaked into chicken pens thus creating CONFEDERATE ZOMBIE ROOSTERS!!!!!

.....I know right? this needs to be a major motion picture yesterday. I'm picturing red Rooster Combs peaking up over couches and from underneath beds, the town folk finding dead bodies with little W tracks leading away from them, The black guy or uninhibited Blond girl would find themselves alone in a saloon with a music box that mysteriously starts playing "jive talkin" by the Bee Gees; and then in walks a hungry Rooster with his wattle waiving and head bobbing back and forth like someone pretending to know song lyrics. Jive talkin could be the mini soundtrack to every murder, much like the "chi-chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha-ha" used by Jason Voorhees. Some of the elder gentlemanly Roosters could have Chin Curtain or French Fork Beards and Monocles accompanied by anti Yankee sentiment, the possibilities are endless.

Think about it Paramount.

Reading is fun-damental

While driving home the other day I spotted a Scholastic Book Fair cargo truck and it instantly got my full attention; the type of attention normally reserved for a passing Pontiac Sunfire (the transportation of choice for very attractive Women). Not only did the bookmobile grab my attention it also knocked me right out of a deep Music trance. I was listening to "Rocket Man" and was almost to my favorite part in the song; you know the part that goes "And all this science I don’t understand, It’s just my job five days a week...." I never miss that part for anything, especially on a rare radio playing, but this time instead of hitting my favorite verse followed by a perfectly synced "Rocket Maaaaaaaaaan....Rocket Man" I turned of my radio and just stared at the truck as it passed.

If the allure of a recently graduated Owl or a rainbow explosion of literature didn't make me a rubberneck, my early memories of the book Fair surely did, I must have gazed at the side of that truck for 2 solid minutes, I just couldn't believe that I've lived the last 16 years of my life without remembering the Book Fair, it was such a huge event in the life of young Timmy. I mean what else did an elementary aged child have going on back then? there was Recess, Scented Markers, and the Book Fair... not much else.

At most of the Elementary Schools I attended they always gave at least a 4-6 week notice to create excitement and loosen up the pocketbooks of our parents. I can remember everyone being very stoked in the weeks building up to the event, we would get catalogs in advance to circle the books we wanted, but most of us just looked for books that came with the best toys, for example: the Detective novels came with tiny magnifying glasses, others came with cool Matchbox cars, the books marketed to the younger kids came with small tubes of bubbles, hell some even came with candy, this was a pretty big deal for us sticky handed sugar bandits. Almost nobody picked a boring 300 pager or anything remotely challenging for us, there were lots of Goosebumps and Berenstain Bears picked out to the dismay of our teachers.

When looking back on the Book Fair I don't have fond memories of reading new books or being a young consumer, instead I remember skimming through the catalogue knowing I couldn't buy any books, and I remember having to fake disinterest at the Fair to cover for not having any money, the excuse "they don't have my book here, it's on order" worked sometimes too. Surely I wasn't the only poor kid growing up so I don't consider this a sad memory, instead I try to remember how incredibly overrated the Book Fair and those cheap toys were, most kids only got 4 pages through their books and the toys were lost or broken within a few days, so what I took away from the experience is that some things can seem so very important at the time but in the big picture of life they really don't matter much.

I won't credit Young me with being wise enough to completely ignore not being able to buy stuff growing up, in fact it really sucked, but I can remember being resilient enough to not let it bother me too much. When I saw the Bookmobile I couldn't help but wonder what event or expectation in my adult life may seem overly important and will I be able to prioritize it accordingly? who knows, all I can say with certainty is that I'm a grown up with money now and I could buy all the candy I want and even eat Ice Cream for Breakfast if I so desire.

Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute

In Honor of

Las Vegas, NV (AP) Amateur Illusionist and co founder of the "Sheisty Booty" dance revolution Timothy Otterson has died at the age of 112. He is survived by his two sons: James Jam Otterson, Clifford Red Otterson, and a daughter of astonishingly average features; Beatrice Ann Otterson. Tim's death came as a surprise to his family and the residents of Mellow Acres Retirement Community where he Resided for his last 13 years.

"a nice man, with the most beautiful set of testicles" said Janice Henderson a fellow resident and acquaintance of Timothy,

"The best Domino's player I know, with the darnedest pair of youthful balls" says Adeline Lee, Neighbor and friend to Timothy.

"an elegant coin pouch was attached to that pleasant Gentleman" replied Pearl Rittman when asked for comment.

"El Testiculos más liso" reported Gabriela Gutierez, Mellow Acres Groundskeeper of 7 years.

Commemorative Services are scheduled for this Thursday the 18th of January, Attendees are asked to pay a $14 cover charge to reimburse an acquired cost for the Jazz Funeral and dishonored personal checks from Mr Otterson. A short reading has been prepared by "gotcha Bitches" an executor of the Otterson estate.

Moments with a Passerby

I wonder if Michelangelo ever suspected that he may have caught a case of the crazies? and if he did, what tipped him off? I've read that he was known for going weeks without maintaining himself at all, could you imagine walking around all day in the 1500's with serious mud butt? No bath, no deodorant, and no air conditioning. It was also very common for him to be seen wearing the same clothes for weeks, in fact his assistants reported that he frequently slept in his shoes and full garb, they said once he finally removed his footwear; dead skin would peel off his feet like a molting snake. So my question is; how can the brilliant mind responsible for the Sistine Chapel not have the mental capacity to realize he may have missed the on ramp to County Road sanity?

While asking that question I also found myself wondering where the threshold to crazy truly lies, because it would seem that most of our progress has come through unconventional rationale. So in a way isn't crazy either a form of, or at least a pit stop on the way to brilliance? Who really knows?

It is probably safe to assume I will never do anything of substance in this life, let alone something on Michelangelo's level, but I can't help but wonder if I too am going crazy or brilliant/crazy? I haven't stumbled upon a complex scientific algorithm or invented a new Ab Exercise, I have just been doing allot of observing. I cannot claim to be noticing anything terribly original; in fact I'm certain that everyone notices this, I just plan on talking about it like an irritable middle aged stand up comedian until I get credit for noticing it.

I think we have all been in close contact or passed by a complete stranger at some point in our lives...right? ask yourself a question, how did you handle it? do you even notice how you adapted to the situation? chances are you probably do the same thing every time your internal "stranger danger" alarms trip. What do you do? are you the type of person that waits for eye contact to deliver a well rehearsed smile, or are you the type that avoids contact by re-reading your text messages from last week? There is no right answer here, it is all just interesting to me, so much so that I have took the time to categorize and explain the 5 most common greetings I have received from strangers in passing.

The Hey partner: This greeting is commonly mistaken for a Cowboy's "howdy". Much like the howdy this greeting does require some sort of hat or head accessory to grab or make motion towards. The only difference between the two is the hey partner uses a thumb and pointer finger to make the perfect little baby pincher aimed towards the brim of a hat where the Howdy uses an open hand grip intended to remove a traditional Cowboy hat. The difference is in the hands, look for the baby pincher!! This is not the most common greeting I've received but it is the most informative; upon receiving a hey partner from anyone I know exactly the type of person I am dealing with, I know that this person is very conservative, a person of few words and a low tolerance for bullshit. If need be I would keep the conversation on acceptable topics like the weather, local sports teams, or the intricacies of a well groomed mustache.

The bustling Businessperson: The double B (as I call it) has all the perks of a conventional greeting but compressed into a quick nod; half smile, brow raise, or glance. This greeting lasts no more than 4-6 seconds because it often takes attention away from a phone conversation or urgent memo. Try not to be fooled by the attire though, you will not always get a double B from someone in a lady pant suit or a well pressed pair of Khaki's, I've caught double B's from iphone hipsters and Wall Street Journal readers alike. The Double B is more about someone taking time away from something of importance for a brief moment to let you know that they are obviously far too occupied to exchange a full greeting.

The Sup Dude: Easily the least complex and most versatile greeting. You can expect to receive one of these from just about any twenty something Male or Female Lacrosse player, Eye contact is a requirement of this greeting because if not established you may miss the move, look for an attempt to engage at around 10-15 feet, this contact will continue until you have received the abrupt backwards tilt associated with this greet. This half bobble head maneuver is mainly used to broadcast common expressions like; "Sup, Hey Bra, Yo, or duuude"

The Stubborn Old Asian Lady: You know how things have their counter or exact opposite in life? Superman had Kryptonite The Green Lantern and Yellow, The Human Torch kept getting duped by Asbestos......you get the Idea. I'm pretty sure the counter to a wise cracking late 20's white guy is every elderly woman of Asian decent, I have never meet an aged Asian woman that interpreted my remarks in the cutesy manner they were intended. Even the little Filipino lady at Great Clips cuts my hair with a type of resentment that would suggest my Platoon has occupied her peaceful village. I won't say every Asian lady hates me but I definitely get the feeling something is brewing behind those big glasses because I never get eye contact or anything that would qualify as a greeting when I pass by them. So the Stubborn Old Asian Lady just consists of someone completely avoiding contact with you or disregarding your existence, not my favorite greeting but it is a common reaction to a stranger so it does qualify.

The Hey Hey: This toothy Croc (<-- new catch phrase meaning bad mother fucker, it will catch on) is probably the most obvious of all, you will never wonder if you were a recipient of a Hey Hey, this greeting will jump right out at ya and say "HOW THE HELL ARE YA" There are no physical requirements or typical phrases for this interaction, it is simply any form of greeting but intensified with an often high level of energy. You can expect these from mostly girls and spirited young Women. Where most people give nods or slight avowal the Hey Hey'er will go beyond the norm to interact with a stranger, these greetings can come in the form of a rapid moving bent wrist wave , or a loud and lengthy Hiiiiiii. this greeting comes factory standard with most outgoing personalities and is arguably the most memorable, A Hey Hey is also known for injecting a shot of life into anyone who is fortunate enough to catch one.

You might say there are a few other types of greetings missing but I say they are merely variants of my five basic, for example: the quick downward head nod that us esteemed gentleman exchange can be considered a Sup Dude with a sprinkling of The Hey Partner demeanor, a quick smile without conversation could be a Hey Hey/Bustling Business person hybrid. Feel free to use your imagination when identifying your next stranger crossing.

Happy Hunting