Our bracelets would indicate so

I am admittedly under prepared for this post after calling a last minute audible into an Empty Back formation (for the non Football fans: I'M GOING DEEP). "In Good Hands" was supposed to be the title of this post, and I had planned on writing about how the major insurance companies should offer comprehensive douche coverage or accidental encounter plans for those times in life where you do or say something uncharacteristically stupid. The idea was that you could sacrifice embarrassing moments while younger to insure against future mishaps, you know like: one could spend a day of High School in urine soaked sweat pants to prevent ALL future sneeze/farts as an adult..... Don't act like you haven't sneezed so violently that it made you fart a little, it's happened to everyone, and I want a policy to cover such events.

Like all the Random thoughts before this one I spent a couple days planning a clever way to make my newest conception a fun read, hell I even hunted down some insurance jargon to work with, but when I sat down to write it up I found myself behaving like the type of overly critical painter that hates everything they do. It just seemed too obvious and forcefully funny, and "that just isn't me" HAHAHAHA listen to me, I don't have the Beret or creative introspect to claim anything "isn't me" but I did, and then scrapped the life insurance narrative for something a little more familiar and off the cuff risky like most Hail Mary Passes tend to be.

Chris Hoosline is his name and being lanky is his game, this giant Goose of a man is the eldest of three brothers, a father, kind of a dick, and most importantly my best friend. I have known this lethargic knuckle dragger for about 14 years now and according to the BFF bylaws; two parties must remain acquainted for a term no less than 168 Fort Nights or 49 Dog Years and share a minimum of 12 embarrassing or potentially incriminating secrets. So I believe we are covered in that regard.

This guy not only has the goods on me but the brazen courage to spew them out if need be, he is undoubtedly the last person you would want around when attempting to be phony or overly boastful because He is known to carry a loaded six shooter full of morally grounding stories about me, and to say he has an itchy trigger finger would be understating the apparent. But in my opinion this is what makes for a successful dynamic between friends, and is one of the reasons we have remained friends for so long, also we seldom waste time trying to beat each other at the game of life like supposed friends do, and we both realize bickering over meaningless shit is exactly that-meaningless shit.

I also believe Once you have established the underlying importance of friendship with someone it makes for the most productive and honest form of friendship; one friend could tell the other that their blog is self righteous while saying they didn't know I could write, and the other friend could respond with the fact his wife is rapidly becoming a chubby chaser while knowing their relationship sets the standard for what I want.

It has always been my favorite argument that Girls vaguely grasp the concept of "best friends" and I think this is because at a young age friendship was so closely related to status, possessions, or a dislike of someone. Most Boys made friends through mutual interests and experiences While Girls were busy making creative collages and suggestive jewelry that only lasted until the mutual love interest or loss of a borrowed sweater happened. Us Men wasted no time with temporary friendship symbols but if we did there is no doubt that our bracelets would read: Better Friends Forever.

Hey Laaaadies

For today's humility scrimmage I will be sharing my online dating profile from years ago. Here we go:

I think that these profile essays would be allot more interesting if a timer was added and the backspace button was disabled, now that is a profile I wanna read. also would it really hurt them to have the occasional showcase showdown I mean c'mon people let's jazz up this awkward dating process a bit, if I have to read or write another profile about how "outgoing" or "caring" someone is i'm gonna trade in my computer for a neon green Frisbee and call it a day, everyone is fun, caring, and personable at least a little bit....right?? I have yet to meet someone who was openly boring, mean, or difficult to talk with. Also I think describing detailed aspects about someone your looking for is so pointless because in my opinion if you shut yourself out from a whole group or variety of people you are missing out on so many life lessons and experiences that can't happen when your in a relationship with a yes man.

So with that being said, I would like to meet someone who is of Asian Cuban Canadian descent, with long but short yellowish purple hair, and you must have at least a 4yr degree in applied international jump roping logistics with an emphasis on ginger bread cookie biology. That's all I ask for and I know it isn't very picky but hey that's me Mr modesty, oops I almost forgot NON OMISH GERMANS NEED NOT APPLY.

See that is exactly why it would be fun if everyone was unable to change their essays once they are typed up, just look at all the weird stuff I said and now regret. I guess that's all I gotta say about myself and who I'm looking for. I haven't directly said anything about myself but at the same time I think I've said enough for anyone to know what to expect from me, so if you got questions I got answers, talk with ya soon.

When reading that over now I see very little has changed about me; I still think I'm a clever wordsmith, I probably still believe I'm equally interesting in person, and the dating norm remains an annoyance. When skimming through that essay with the balderdash sieve included in my aging and wisdom starter kit I've really only learned one thing: I am truly not as open to life as I would like everyone to believe, in fact I'm probably a little shallow.

At the time I had a little success dating using the aforementioned essay, but I found myself dating girls considered less than attractive, one in particular was a highly intelligent and enjoyable pre med student. There wasn't anything wrong with her, in fact I much enjoyed her company, I just found myself questioning if I was attracted to her at all, and the pressure of eventually having to introduce this person to my friends was more influential than I wanted to admit at the time.

After a couple weeks and a handful of dates I finally fabricated a story about an ex girlfriend I intended to rekindle relations with in order to break things off with her. The story was expectantly cogent and aside from a few angry drunk dials I never heard from her again. I can clearly remember feeling relieved that she had thought of me as an indecisive asshole rather than the shallow prick that valued looks over longevity, or attraction over connection, but I truly was no different than anyone else, I had found myself apart of a judgmental majority in which I claimed to differ, and that was very disappointing to realize.

So now I operate with the assumption that I must become more interesting or notable than most to gain the attention of the type of Women who can meet my new found expectations.

Bad call Timmy, bad call.