Hey Laaaadies

For today's humility scrimmage I will be sharing my online dating profile from years ago. Here we go:

I think that these profile essays would be allot more interesting if a timer was added and the backspace button was disabled, now that is a profile I wanna read. also would it really hurt them to have the occasional showcase showdown I mean c'mon people let's jazz up this awkward dating process a bit, if I have to read or write another profile about how "outgoing" or "caring" someone is i'm gonna trade in my computer for a neon green Frisbee and call it a day, everyone is fun, caring, and personable at least a little bit....right?? I have yet to meet someone who was openly boring, mean, or difficult to talk with. Also I think describing detailed aspects about someone your looking for is so pointless because in my opinion if you shut yourself out from a whole group or variety of people you are missing out on so many life lessons and experiences that can't happen when your in a relationship with a yes man.

So with that being said, I would like to meet someone who is of Asian Cuban Canadian descent, with long but short yellowish purple hair, and you must have at least a 4yr degree in applied international jump roping logistics with an emphasis on ginger bread cookie biology. That's all I ask for and I know it isn't very picky but hey that's me Mr modesty, oops I almost forgot NON OMISH GERMANS NEED NOT APPLY.

See that is exactly why it would be fun if everyone was unable to change their essays once they are typed up, just look at all the weird stuff I said and now regret. I guess that's all I gotta say about myself and who I'm looking for. I haven't directly said anything about myself but at the same time I think I've said enough for anyone to know what to expect from me, so if you got questions I got answers, talk with ya soon.

When reading that over now I see very little has changed about me; I still think I'm a clever wordsmith, I probably still believe I'm equally interesting in person, and the dating norm remains an annoyance. When skimming through that essay with the balderdash sieve included in my aging and wisdom starter kit I've really only learned one thing: I am truly not as open to life as I would like everyone to believe, in fact I'm probably a little shallow.

At the time I had a little success dating using the aforementioned essay, but I found myself dating girls considered less than attractive, one in particular was a highly intelligent and enjoyable pre med student. There wasn't anything wrong with her, in fact I much enjoyed her company, I just found myself questioning if I was attracted to her at all, and the pressure of eventually having to introduce this person to my friends was more influential than I wanted to admit at the time.

After a couple weeks and a handful of dates I finally fabricated a story about an ex girlfriend I intended to rekindle relations with in order to break things off with her. The story was expectantly cogent and aside from a few angry drunk dials I never heard from her again. I can clearly remember feeling relieved that she had thought of me as an indecisive asshole rather than the shallow prick that valued looks over longevity, or attraction over connection, but I truly was no different than anyone else, I had found myself apart of a judgmental majority in which I claimed to differ, and that was very disappointing to realize.

So now I operate with the assumption that I must become more interesting or notable than most to gain the attention of the type of Women who can meet my new found expectations.

Bad call Timmy, bad call.