How could I possibly sleep now? How can I resume the episode of Frontline you interrupted? Suddenly the Taliban resurgence in South Afghanistan isn't so interesting. I was preparing to make my nightly paradoxical sleep appointment, I should probably reschedule now, maybe I'll find an opening in the afternoon tomorrow, I'm sure there will be.
So here I sit in front of this monitor, Alligator is on it's eighth track "Val Jester" which means it took me way too long to complete the first paragraph of this post, that can't be a good sign. Usually by now I'm off the blocks with something readable, I would have been comfortable enough to land a couple C+ knee slappers by now.
I've compromised so many full nights of sleep in my life it's frightening. Six hours would often be enough sleep if I hadn't seen the episode of Newsradio secretly airing in my bedroom past bedtime on a school night; Five hours would suffice if I was finishing up another hand written High School love letter, if Lions were being documented I watched and slept another day, the exact time needed to sober up after a fun night has often been 4....3...or maybe 2 Hours.
In most cases I would regret my decision to skip a full night of sleep when dragging ass at work or wasting a day off napping, it always seemed so pointless, "what did I accomplish staying up so late?" I'd frequently ask myself the next day, I never had a proper explanation for myself. I can however remember a handful of significant nights where the content and memory of the night before created a joyful high that lasted throughout the next day and made the decision to buck sleep a wise one. You never really know if losing sleep is worth while until the next day, that's what makes it such an interesting gamble, you could end up with an unforgettable night or an irritable morning of hatred for Raymond's Lovable sitcom.
I am now writing this post in the Year 2011, I've swapped the ball dropping and Champagne for yahoo news and hipster rock; which is an upgrade from my previous plans. I would have been sleeping by now if it wasn't for you, if you wouldn't have accidentally blurted out that Pancake and French Toast phrase I would be cleaning up the streets of Gotham as I type this right now (I make a WAY better Batman than Val Kilmer in my dreams).
Sometimes people have such a unique and memorable way of explaining things, when you described the simple choice as Pancakes and French Toast I knew it would be a night of little sleep for me, I would need Hours to analyze our conversation, and writing something verses laying in bed awake thinking about you and Kitten Mittens (normal bed time thoughts) seemed like the more productive activity.
It's been 3 hours since we've talked and I still have nothing of value to say, which is odd because usually I can offer something uplifting in these situations. I've always took pride in being helpful, mostly through levity, but overall helpful. It pains me to contribute nothing, I spent most of the conversation with a hand over my mouth to resist the urge of saying something dumb, I was unprepared and ill equipped for support, I could only hope listening was enough. To be considered important enough to call in a situation like this means a great deal to me, I won't need to wait for tomorrow, my sleep gamble is already paying off. I'm now glad I opted out of celebrating tonight, I would have missed your call and been unable to offer what little help I did.
Happy New Year
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Harrison Bergeron; legendary Boat Rocker
Whoa, easy Trotsee, slow it down, called Diana with a sharp command and firm pull on the reins, let's stop here for a spell, Momma needs to re-glitter before we nab Curly Bill and that posse of his. Heeding his riders command Trotsee slowed and casually traveled off the dirt trail using the two beat gait which assuredly inspired his lovable name. Nice weather we're getting tonight, commented Diana in between sparkle applications, reckon we're in for rain though, Reckon so Trotsee? While her loyal prairie companion was a stable ride; he was not much in the way of conversation. During the all too frequent rests a Shetland required Diana would often find their dialogue a little lacking, almost one sided, But it never stopped her from mission briefing her short legged deputy. Now remember Trotsee when we get to Raccoon City keep your eyes fixed for Bill or any of his gunmen, these aren't our everyday pocketbook lifters, these boys are real troublesome Varmints, they are all crooked as a Dog's Hind Legs and mean enough to hunt Bears with a Hickory Switch. Diane always had a clever quip to kick start a manhunt and she had no reservations about sharing them with an oblivious Pony. Well let's hit the trail pal, giddy-up Ya Ya shouted Diana as the two Lawmen disappeared in the shade of a setting sun.
DIANA MOON GLAMPERS!!!!!! what in the hell are you doing? upon receiving no response Susanne angrily tied the fabric belt around her cashmere robe and took 3 purposeful steps down the tastefully decorated hallway of the Glampers Estate, I say again, Diana what the hell are you doing? it is Three Thirty in the God Damn Morning!! again nothing... fully enraged and prescription sedated Susanne sprang into the perfect jogging mechanics learned from "Chad" the family Trainer on retainer, In full stride Susanne passed her daughter snatching a mysterious jar from her hand before making a roadblock of her outstretched limbs. Diana!! Susanne cried, stop it, knock it off right now, startled and unwilling to break character Diana replied; why howdy Ma, what brings you round these parts? Upon landing an open handed right hook to her Daughter's cheek Misses Glampers asked for the third time, what are you doing, and whatever could you be straddling that Broom for? Awww Mom, this is Trotsee my Horse partner and we are headed for adventure, Reckon we are gonna....SMACK, another shot lands, this time to the left cheek, unlike the first hook this was the sobering blow that dropped the cowgirl act and gave Susanne her full attention. DIANA, stay away from the brooms! they are not Horses, they are to be used by the help and the help only, and for the last time stop eating the Glitter Glue, But Moooom interrupted Diana, it makes everything taste pretty, and when I get sick the toilet gets all shiny. I do not care Diana, no more eating the Glitter Glue, no exceptions, now go back to bed.
Ted Glampers; Father to three practicing lawyers, a humble Chiropractor, and The Handicapper General Diana Moon Glampers. Being the President of New York's Federal Reserve Bank and most recently the Secretary of Treasury for the United States the Glampers family hardly concerned themselves with money, all Glampers were entitled to an ivy league education before they could spell education, no Glampers would ever want for anything, all except Diana. She could not spell education until her mid Thirties after the work of countless medical specialists, she would forever be unable to enjoy the privileges of wealth and success, that would be reason enough for Susanne to quit her Cosmetic Surgery practice to care for Diana full time.
Once an understanding and routine of Diana's condition was reached Susanne would quickly find work with a non profit clinical research team, or what socially conservative Ted referred to as: "Hippy work". Susanne never gave reason for her change of career, most assumed she discovered the need to help with the greater good inside her, but most likely she was burdened by her family history of mental illness. The Glampers were of such superior and well documented Genes, how could she ever admit to her husband the treasurer and close friend of the President himself that her Moon blood had tainted the noble Glampers line.
Convenient enough for Diana, or Teds political endeavors, the future had become equal, in the year 2081 everyone had fully adjusted to amendments 211-213 changes. Everyone was wearing their handicaps, no one was smarter, stronger, or more attractive than anyone, everyone wore a handicap, everyone except Diana Moon Glampers, her mental illness was her weightless handicap, and having a non restricting handicap made her a perfect fit for the position of Handicapper General, or so Ted claimed in his pitch to his golf pal Chuck, the President. "Even with a mental illness Diana can stumble across clarity in judgment we cannot with our handicaps".
While Susanne publicly protested her Daughters appointment, she secretly felt redemption for her family secret, she often wondered would Ted keep her if he knew, if he was privy to such a shameful blemish, would he? he couldn't. For three years The office of the handicapper General was what seemed to be the type of "no show" job that was popular with the Teamsters and Organized Crime every handicapped child learned about in their history books at an equal pace. Everyone seemed to like the new laws, there was almost nothing to govern. Within the first month of nothing Diana made her first executive decision, she ordered her permanently empty inbox rigged as another outbox. While nothing urgent ever reached her desk she was flooded with pictures torn from coloring books in need of shipping. Years went by, nothing ever came, but the pictures of pretty kittens and rainbows always went out, each one with increasing amounts of glitter and disregard for coloring within the lines.
The future for the Glampers had never seemed so bright, if Diana, their secret liability was functioning normally in society then handicaps were truly a blessing. How could Susanne or any Glampers disagree? Who would ever want to revisit the dark ages of competition and who would wish for poor Diana to live in difference to anyone? that much was clear to everyone, even Diana, she was aware if everyone wasn't equal then she would be the black sheep, her existence would become that of medications and treatment, she would never see Trotsee again and her crayons would surely be taken from her. So when news broke of Young Harrison Bergeron and his willful defiance of the law; the position of Handicapper General suddenly became necessary and Diana did what she had to, less the loading of a double barreled ten gauge shotgun, Susanne helped with that.
DIANA MOON GLAMPERS!!!!!! what in the hell are you doing? upon receiving no response Susanne angrily tied the fabric belt around her cashmere robe and took 3 purposeful steps down the tastefully decorated hallway of the Glampers Estate, I say again, Diana what the hell are you doing? it is Three Thirty in the God Damn Morning!! again nothing... fully enraged and prescription sedated Susanne sprang into the perfect jogging mechanics learned from "Chad" the family Trainer on retainer, In full stride Susanne passed her daughter snatching a mysterious jar from her hand before making a roadblock of her outstretched limbs. Diana!! Susanne cried, stop it, knock it off right now, startled and unwilling to break character Diana replied; why howdy Ma, what brings you round these parts? Upon landing an open handed right hook to her Daughter's cheek Misses Glampers asked for the third time, what are you doing, and whatever could you be straddling that Broom for? Awww Mom, this is Trotsee my Horse partner and we are headed for adventure, Reckon we are gonna....SMACK, another shot lands, this time to the left cheek, unlike the first hook this was the sobering blow that dropped the cowgirl act and gave Susanne her full attention. DIANA, stay away from the brooms! they are not Horses, they are to be used by the help and the help only, and for the last time stop eating the Glitter Glue, But Moooom interrupted Diana, it makes everything taste pretty, and when I get sick the toilet gets all shiny. I do not care Diana, no more eating the Glitter Glue, no exceptions, now go back to bed.
Ted Glampers; Father to three practicing lawyers, a humble Chiropractor, and The Handicapper General Diana Moon Glampers. Being the President of New York's Federal Reserve Bank and most recently the Secretary of Treasury for the United States the Glampers family hardly concerned themselves with money, all Glampers were entitled to an ivy league education before they could spell education, no Glampers would ever want for anything, all except Diana. She could not spell education until her mid Thirties after the work of countless medical specialists, she would forever be unable to enjoy the privileges of wealth and success, that would be reason enough for Susanne to quit her Cosmetic Surgery practice to care for Diana full time.
Once an understanding and routine of Diana's condition was reached Susanne would quickly find work with a non profit clinical research team, or what socially conservative Ted referred to as: "Hippy work". Susanne never gave reason for her change of career, most assumed she discovered the need to help with the greater good inside her, but most likely she was burdened by her family history of mental illness. The Glampers were of such superior and well documented Genes, how could she ever admit to her husband the treasurer and close friend of the President himself that her Moon blood had tainted the noble Glampers line.
Convenient enough for Diana, or Teds political endeavors, the future had become equal, in the year 2081 everyone had fully adjusted to amendments 211-213 changes. Everyone was wearing their handicaps, no one was smarter, stronger, or more attractive than anyone, everyone wore a handicap, everyone except Diana Moon Glampers, her mental illness was her weightless handicap, and having a non restricting handicap made her a perfect fit for the position of Handicapper General, or so Ted claimed in his pitch to his golf pal Chuck, the President. "Even with a mental illness Diana can stumble across clarity in judgment we cannot with our handicaps".
While Susanne publicly protested her Daughters appointment, she secretly felt redemption for her family secret, she often wondered would Ted keep her if he knew, if he was privy to such a shameful blemish, would he? he couldn't. For three years The office of the handicapper General was what seemed to be the type of "no show" job that was popular with the Teamsters and Organized Crime every handicapped child learned about in their history books at an equal pace. Everyone seemed to like the new laws, there was almost nothing to govern. Within the first month of nothing Diana made her first executive decision, she ordered her permanently empty inbox rigged as another outbox. While nothing urgent ever reached her desk she was flooded with pictures torn from coloring books in need of shipping. Years went by, nothing ever came, but the pictures of pretty kittens and rainbows always went out, each one with increasing amounts of glitter and disregard for coloring within the lines.
The future for the Glampers had never seemed so bright, if Diana, their secret liability was functioning normally in society then handicaps were truly a blessing. How could Susanne or any Glampers disagree? Who would ever want to revisit the dark ages of competition and who would wish for poor Diana to live in difference to anyone? that much was clear to everyone, even Diana, she was aware if everyone wasn't equal then she would be the black sheep, her existence would become that of medications and treatment, she would never see Trotsee again and her crayons would surely be taken from her. So when news broke of Young Harrison Bergeron and his willful defiance of the law; the position of Handicapper General suddenly became necessary and Diana did what she had to, less the loading of a double barreled ten gauge shotgun, Susanne helped with that.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Le Thru Drive
Here is some more homework, this was apart of a menu assignment and was the vision statement of my Restaurant, The instructor found this pretty amusing and I got an A on it.
Le Thru Drive is a unique upscale dining experience that is designed to serve Americas fastest growing demographic...Lazy people. I pose this question to you the consumer. How many times have you been at home relaxing and watching Jeopardy when that commercial for your local ritzy restaurant comes on and demands your attention? How many times have you wanted to enjoy a Thirty Five Dollar Plate of Lobster but the fear of traveling to one of those dim lighted smooth jazz shacks quickly changes your mind? How many times have you wanted a fresh serving of your favorite Risotto But you know that your only fine dining Blazer hasn't been cleaned since your father wore it to his job interview in 1985? does the idea of leaving your sweat pants behind scare you?
If you answered yes to any of those questions then Le Thru Drive is the restaurant for you. We offer the fine dining you seek with the drive thru convenience you need. Burgers and low grade beef tacos are no longer your only food choices while in your car.
You may think that fine dining served through a drive up window may seem a bit unrealistic, but we at Le Thru Drive refuse to let logic or reasoning interfere with our tradition of innovation and Cutting edge culinary cuisine.
We also believe that Americans should be allowed to create their own dining atmosphere, and what place is more suited for that then your own car? Groundbreaking advances in cup holder engineering and thought provoking AM talk radio have made modern cars the perfect destination for fine dining and entertainment. When was the last time you gained anything from a night of Lionel Richie music and small talk about someone else's kids? Stay in your car, get up to date with current events, wear sandals, finish reading that owners manual in your glove box. Choose Le thru Dive.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tough Cookies
Isn't it funny how little snippets of a memory can stick in your mind and define the entire memory they were cut from, let's see if I can articulate. Last Winter in my Baking course our class was assigned a History of baking essay, the objective was to pick something interesting in the baking field and write a factual report on it, So this wannabe trendsetter fixed his peepers on something original and never looked back. I chose to write the true life story of Poppin Fresh, you know-the Pillsbury Dough Boy, it was titled "Tough Cookies" and there was a limitless source of content to be found, so much that I quickly became overwhelmed by choosing which information to use for my report.
The assignment called for 1-2 pages of factual and sourced information, I wrote 3 pages not including the paragraph below that I added to set my paper apart from the stack of copy pasted Wikipedia reports I assumed our instructor was tired of reading. I just wanted my paper to be something unique, what a mistake that was. In retrospect the six word editorial note written in red felt tip was the snippet of importance that made this piece of time memorable. I still couldn't tell you anything about the Wafer Cookies called Tuiles, but I distinctly remember that my history of baking report "was not a creative writing assignment".
In October of 1965, Pillsbury debuted the 14-ounce, 8 3/4-inch character in a Crescent Roll commercial. The original voice of the Doughboy was performed by the actor Paul Frees. The Doughboy's costar in the commercial was Maureen McCormick [about.com 1997]. The advertisement campaign was a huge success for Poppin, but little did he know that his success would begin fueling the fire that devoured him and everyone around him. Since the commercial debut of Pillsbury's crescent rolls, Poppin Fresh has been arrested twelve Times, visited 3 celebrity rehabilitation clinics, and lost more than 103 Million dollars in civil law suits [my imagination 2009]. In 1968 a local Miami newspaper reported the arrest of Poppin Fresh and 9 other Gingerbread suspects after a physical dispute outside a local nightclub. Poppin and the other suspects were taken into custody and charged with assault, possession of 20 ounces powdered sugar and 3 unregistered Pastry bags [just making stuff up 2009]. This incident was the first of many poor decisions made public. Another recorded incident was in 1974 when his angel shaped sugar cookie wife named Poppie, filed for a divorce. With the success of his career and his growing icon status Poppin and Poppie's divorce quickly became a public circus filled with rumor and legal posturing that lasted 6 long months. Poppie would later win a unprecedented 85 Million dollar settlement and full custody of their 3 Graham Cracker children [my imagination 2009]. Poppin would later admit his messy public divorce was his biggest regret in life besides Pillsbury's pumpkin shaped sugar cookies that tasted like candy corn and mozzarella cheese.
For some reason I have been ashamed of this well sourced report for a long time. I don't regret trying to be creative, or the amount of work put in, I was more likely embarrassed by the D given as a grade by my instructor. After all the work, research, and originality I couldn't believe that D was my grade and representation of effort. When questioned about the grade my instructor said "you didn't follow directions, I did not ask for creative writing" Not only did I do a full extra page of factual writing I also included much more information than most of the A papers, So I am left believing that my "creative writing" bothered her so much that it affected my grade.
I should probably feel cheated or wonder if a leaking cave ceiling is responsible for this Troll Woman's abrasive personality, but I cannot on both accounts. Instead I remember that between chewing rocks and the limbs of slow children this monster did mutter something about my writing being creative, and that has been taken as complimentary and confirming, almost like saying someone is an Artist after they create something or a NASA Cadet becoming an Astronaut upon entering space. So with a new found feeling of pride I am glad to share my homework with the handful of people that take time away from Sudoku or Babies in Stock Pots to read my random things.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Our bracelets would indicate so
I am admittedly under prepared for this post after calling a last minute audible into an Empty Back formation (for the non Football fans: I'M GOING DEEP). "In Good Hands" was supposed to be the title of this post, and I had planned on writing about how the major insurance companies should offer comprehensive douche coverage or accidental encounter plans for those times in life where you do or say something uncharacteristically stupid. The idea was that you could sacrifice embarrassing moments while younger to insure against future mishaps, you know like: one could spend a day of High School in urine soaked sweat pants to prevent ALL future sneeze/farts as an adult..... Don't act like you haven't sneezed so violently that it made you fart a little, it's happened to everyone, and I want a policy to cover such events.
Like all the Random thoughts before this one I spent a couple days planning a clever way to make my newest conception a fun read, hell I even hunted down some insurance jargon to work with, but when I sat down to write it up I found myself behaving like the type of overly critical painter that hates everything they do. It just seemed too obvious and forcefully funny, and "that just isn't me" HAHAHAHA listen to me, I don't have the Beret or creative introspect to claim anything "isn't me" but I did, and then scrapped the life insurance narrative for something a little more familiar and off the cuff risky like most Hail Mary Passes tend to be.
Chris Hoosline is his name and being lanky is his game, this giant Goose of a man is the eldest of three brothers, a father, kind of a dick, and most importantly my best friend. I have known this lethargic knuckle dragger for about 14 years now and according to the BFF bylaws; two parties must remain acquainted for a term no less than 168 Fort Nights or 49 Dog Years and share a minimum of 12 embarrassing or potentially incriminating secrets. So I believe we are covered in that regard.
This guy not only has the goods on me but the brazen courage to spew them out if need be, he is undoubtedly the last person you would want around when attempting to be phony or overly boastful because He is known to carry a loaded six shooter full of morally grounding stories about me, and to say he has an itchy trigger finger would be understating the apparent. But in my opinion this is what makes for a successful dynamic between friends, and is one of the reasons we have remained friends for so long, also we seldom waste time trying to beat each other at the game of life like supposed friends do, and we both realize bickering over meaningless shit is exactly that-meaningless shit.
I also believe Once you have established the underlying importance of friendship with someone it makes for the most productive and honest form of friendship; one friend could tell the other that their blog is self righteous while saying they didn't know I could write, and the other friend could respond with the fact his wife is rapidly becoming a chubby chaser while knowing their relationship sets the standard for what I want.
It has always been my favorite argument that Girls vaguely grasp the concept of "best friends" and I think this is because at a young age friendship was so closely related to status, possessions, or a dislike of someone. Most Boys made friends through mutual interests and experiences While Girls were busy making creative collages and suggestive jewelry that only lasted until the mutual love interest or loss of a borrowed sweater happened. Us Men wasted no time with temporary friendship symbols but if we did there is no doubt that our bracelets would read: Better Friends Forever.
Like all the Random thoughts before this one I spent a couple days planning a clever way to make my newest conception a fun read, hell I even hunted down some insurance jargon to work with, but when I sat down to write it up I found myself behaving like the type of overly critical painter that hates everything they do. It just seemed too obvious and forcefully funny, and "that just isn't me" HAHAHAHA listen to me, I don't have the Beret or creative introspect to claim anything "isn't me" but I did, and then scrapped the life insurance narrative for something a little more familiar and off the cuff risky like most Hail Mary Passes tend to be.
Chris Hoosline is his name and being lanky is his game, this giant Goose of a man is the eldest of three brothers, a father, kind of a dick, and most importantly my best friend. I have known this lethargic knuckle dragger for about 14 years now and according to the BFF bylaws; two parties must remain acquainted for a term no less than 168 Fort Nights or 49 Dog Years and share a minimum of 12 embarrassing or potentially incriminating secrets. So I believe we are covered in that regard.
This guy not only has the goods on me but the brazen courage to spew them out if need be, he is undoubtedly the last person you would want around when attempting to be phony or overly boastful because He is known to carry a loaded six shooter full of morally grounding stories about me, and to say he has an itchy trigger finger would be understating the apparent. But in my opinion this is what makes for a successful dynamic between friends, and is one of the reasons we have remained friends for so long, also we seldom waste time trying to beat each other at the game of life like supposed friends do, and we both realize bickering over meaningless shit is exactly that-meaningless shit.
I also believe Once you have established the underlying importance of friendship with someone it makes for the most productive and honest form of friendship; one friend could tell the other that their blog is self righteous while saying they didn't know I could write, and the other friend could respond with the fact his wife is rapidly becoming a chubby chaser while knowing their relationship sets the standard for what I want.
It has always been my favorite argument that Girls vaguely grasp the concept of "best friends" and I think this is because at a young age friendship was so closely related to status, possessions, or a dislike of someone. Most Boys made friends through mutual interests and experiences While Girls were busy making creative collages and suggestive jewelry that only lasted until the mutual love interest or loss of a borrowed sweater happened. Us Men wasted no time with temporary friendship symbols but if we did there is no doubt that our bracelets would read: Better Friends Forever.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Hey Laaaadies
For today's humility scrimmage I will be sharing my online dating profile from years ago. Here we go:
I think that these profile essays would be allot more interesting if a timer was added and the backspace button was disabled, now that is a profile I wanna read. also would it really hurt them to have the occasional showcase showdown I mean c'mon people let's jazz up this awkward dating process a bit, if I have to read or write another profile about how "outgoing" or "caring" someone is i'm gonna trade in my computer for a neon green Frisbee and call it a day, everyone is fun, caring, and personable at least a little bit....right?? I have yet to meet someone who was openly boring, mean, or difficult to talk with. Also I think describing detailed aspects about someone your looking for is so pointless because in my opinion if you shut yourself out from a whole group or variety of people you are missing out on so many life lessons and experiences that can't happen when your in a relationship with a yes man.
So with that being said, I would like to meet someone who is of Asian Cuban Canadian descent, with long but short yellowish purple hair, and you must have at least a 4yr degree in applied international jump roping logistics with an emphasis on ginger bread cookie biology. That's all I ask for and I know it isn't very picky but hey that's me Mr modesty, oops I almost forgot NON OMISH GERMANS NEED NOT APPLY.
See that is exactly why it would be fun if everyone was unable to change their essays once they are typed up, just look at all the weird stuff I said and now regret. I guess that's all I gotta say about myself and who I'm looking for. I haven't directly said anything about myself but at the same time I think I've said enough for anyone to know what to expect from me, so if you got questions I got answers, talk with ya soon.
When reading that over now I see very little has changed about me; I still think I'm a clever wordsmith, I probably still believe I'm equally interesting in person, and the dating norm remains an annoyance. When skimming through that essay with the balderdash sieve included in my aging and wisdom starter kit I've really only learned one thing: I am truly not as open to life as I would like everyone to believe, in fact I'm probably a little shallow.
At the time I had a little success dating using the aforementioned essay, but I found myself dating girls considered less than attractive, one in particular was a highly intelligent and enjoyable pre med student. There wasn't anything wrong with her, in fact I much enjoyed her company, I just found myself questioning if I was attracted to her at all, and the pressure of eventually having to introduce this person to my friends was more influential than I wanted to admit at the time.
After a couple weeks and a handful of dates I finally fabricated a story about an ex girlfriend I intended to rekindle relations with in order to break things off with her. The story was expectantly cogent and aside from a few angry drunk dials I never heard from her again. I can clearly remember feeling relieved that she had thought of me as an indecisive asshole rather than the shallow prick that valued looks over longevity, or attraction over connection, but I truly was no different than anyone else, I had found myself apart of a judgmental majority in which I claimed to differ, and that was very disappointing to realize.
So now I operate with the assumption that I must become more interesting or notable than most to gain the attention of the type of Women who can meet my new found expectations.
Bad call Timmy, bad call.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Cock-A-Doodle-DEAD
The year is eigh-teen-six-deh-tee-two (1862), the separated states of what is to be America are at war over unpopular policy from first year Republican President Abraham Lincoln. For almost a year, soldiers of the Northern union states have been exchanging Pewter bullet fire with the south using a cutting edge military strategy called "man fence". The war has effected life everywhere, mothers send their son's to war while northern industry and commerce has halted, no one avoids the bitter taste of war, and no one more than the small town of Bennetsville, South Carolina.
Bennetsville, being only a 2 day Oxen ride to Fort Sumter is no stranger to big news and strange happenings, but nothing could have prepared the small farming town for........
Molasses was the town specialty, and everyone had their own variation of the sweet sugar beet syrup. Who would have guessed that their molasses would lead to MU_MU_MURDER.
As history tells, Talburt Hedgeston III a poultry farmer and moonshine enthusiast was responsible for THEM......
It is believed that an accidental cross contamination of highly potent Alcohol, Talburt's disdain for the North, and a batch of sweet Molasses was leaked into chicken pens thus creating CONFEDERATE ZOMBIE ROOSTERS!!!!!
.....I know right? this needs to be a major motion picture yesterday. I'm picturing red Rooster Combs peaking up over couches and from underneath beds, the town folk finding dead bodies with little W tracks leading away from them, The black guy or uninhibited Blond girl would find themselves alone in a saloon with a music box that mysteriously starts playing "jive talkin" by the Bee Gees; and then in walks a hungry Rooster with his wattle waiving and head bobbing back and forth like someone pretending to know song lyrics. Jive talkin could be the mini soundtrack to every murder, much like the "chi-chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha-ha" used by Jason Voorhees. Some of the elder gentlemanly Roosters could have Chin Curtain or French Fork Beards and Monocles accompanied by anti Yankee sentiment, the possibilities are endless.
Think about it Paramount.
Bennetsville, being only a 2 day Oxen ride to Fort Sumter is no stranger to big news and strange happenings, but nothing could have prepared the small farming town for........
Molasses was the town specialty, and everyone had their own variation of the sweet sugar beet syrup. Who would have guessed that their molasses would lead to MU_MU_MURDER.
As history tells, Talburt Hedgeston III a poultry farmer and moonshine enthusiast was responsible for THEM......
It is believed that an accidental cross contamination of highly potent Alcohol, Talburt's disdain for the North, and a batch of sweet Molasses was leaked into chicken pens thus creating CONFEDERATE ZOMBIE ROOSTERS!!!!!
.....I know right? this needs to be a major motion picture yesterday. I'm picturing red Rooster Combs peaking up over couches and from underneath beds, the town folk finding dead bodies with little W tracks leading away from them, The black guy or uninhibited Blond girl would find themselves alone in a saloon with a music box that mysteriously starts playing "jive talkin" by the Bee Gees; and then in walks a hungry Rooster with his wattle waiving and head bobbing back and forth like someone pretending to know song lyrics. Jive talkin could be the mini soundtrack to every murder, much like the "chi-chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha-ha" used by Jason Voorhees. Some of the elder gentlemanly Roosters could have Chin Curtain or French Fork Beards and Monocles accompanied by anti Yankee sentiment, the possibilities are endless.
Think about it Paramount.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Reading is fun-damental
While driving home the other day I spotted a Scholastic Book Fair cargo truck and it instantly got my full attention; the type of attention normally reserved for a passing Pontiac Sunfire (the transportation of choice for very attractive Women). Not only did the bookmobile grab my attention it also knocked me right out of a deep Music trance. I was listening to "Rocket Man" and was almost to my favorite part in the song; you know the part that goes "And all this science I don’t understand, It’s just my job five days a week...." I never miss that part for anything, especially on a rare radio playing, but this time instead of hitting my favorite verse followed by a perfectly synced "Rocket Maaaaaaaaaan....Rocket Man" I turned of my radio and just stared at the truck as it passed.
If the allure of a recently graduated Owl or a rainbow explosion of literature didn't make me a rubberneck, my early memories of the book Fair surely did, I must have gazed at the side of that truck for 2 solid minutes, I just couldn't believe that I've lived the last 16 years of my life without remembering the Book Fair, it was such a huge event in the life of young Timmy. I mean what else did an elementary aged child have going on back then? there was Recess, Scented Markers, and the Book Fair... not much else.
At most of the Elementary Schools I attended they always gave at least a 4-6 week notice to create excitement and loosen up the pocketbooks of our parents. I can remember everyone being very stoked in the weeks building up to the event, we would get catalogs in advance to circle the books we wanted, but most of us just looked for books that came with the best toys, for example: the Detective novels came with tiny magnifying glasses, others came with cool Matchbox cars, the books marketed to the younger kids came with small tubes of bubbles, hell some even came with candy, this was a pretty big deal for us sticky handed sugar bandits. Almost nobody picked a boring 300 pager or anything remotely challenging for us, there were lots of Goosebumps and Berenstain Bears picked out to the dismay of our teachers.
When looking back on the Book Fair I don't have fond memories of reading new books or being a young consumer, instead I remember skimming through the catalogue knowing I couldn't buy any books, and I remember having to fake disinterest at the Fair to cover for not having any money, the excuse "they don't have my book here, it's on order" worked sometimes too. Surely I wasn't the only poor kid growing up so I don't consider this a sad memory, instead I try to remember how incredibly overrated the Book Fair and those cheap toys were, most kids only got 4 pages through their books and the toys were lost or broken within a few days, so what I took away from the experience is that some things can seem so very important at the time but in the big picture of life they really don't matter much.
I won't credit Young me with being wise enough to completely ignore not being able to buy stuff growing up, in fact it really sucked, but I can remember being resilient enough to not let it bother me too much. When I saw the Bookmobile I couldn't help but wonder what event or expectation in my adult life may seem overly important and will I be able to prioritize it accordingly? who knows, all I can say with certainty is that I'm a grown up with money now and I could buy all the candy I want and even eat Ice Cream for Breakfast if I so desire.
Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute
If the allure of a recently graduated Owl or a rainbow explosion of literature didn't make me a rubberneck, my early memories of the book Fair surely did, I must have gazed at the side of that truck for 2 solid minutes, I just couldn't believe that I've lived the last 16 years of my life without remembering the Book Fair, it was such a huge event in the life of young Timmy. I mean what else did an elementary aged child have going on back then? there was Recess, Scented Markers, and the Book Fair... not much else.
At most of the Elementary Schools I attended they always gave at least a 4-6 week notice to create excitement and loosen up the pocketbooks of our parents. I can remember everyone being very stoked in the weeks building up to the event, we would get catalogs in advance to circle the books we wanted, but most of us just looked for books that came with the best toys, for example: the Detective novels came with tiny magnifying glasses, others came with cool Matchbox cars, the books marketed to the younger kids came with small tubes of bubbles, hell some even came with candy, this was a pretty big deal for us sticky handed sugar bandits. Almost nobody picked a boring 300 pager or anything remotely challenging for us, there were lots of Goosebumps and Berenstain Bears picked out to the dismay of our teachers.
When looking back on the Book Fair I don't have fond memories of reading new books or being a young consumer, instead I remember skimming through the catalogue knowing I couldn't buy any books, and I remember having to fake disinterest at the Fair to cover for not having any money, the excuse "they don't have my book here, it's on order" worked sometimes too. Surely I wasn't the only poor kid growing up so I don't consider this a sad memory, instead I try to remember how incredibly overrated the Book Fair and those cheap toys were, most kids only got 4 pages through their books and the toys were lost or broken within a few days, so what I took away from the experience is that some things can seem so very important at the time but in the big picture of life they really don't matter much.
I won't credit Young me with being wise enough to completely ignore not being able to buy stuff growing up, in fact it really sucked, but I can remember being resilient enough to not let it bother me too much. When I saw the Bookmobile I couldn't help but wonder what event or expectation in my adult life may seem overly important and will I be able to prioritize it accordingly? who knows, all I can say with certainty is that I'm a grown up with money now and I could buy all the candy I want and even eat Ice Cream for Breakfast if I so desire.
Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute
Saturday, October 9, 2010
In Honor of
Las Vegas, NV (AP) Amateur Illusionist and co founder of the "Sheisty Booty" dance revolution Timothy Otterson has died at the age of 112. He is survived by his two sons: James Jam Otterson, Clifford Red Otterson, and a daughter of astonishingly average features; Beatrice Ann Otterson. Tim's death came as a surprise to his family and the residents of Mellow Acres Retirement Community where he Resided for his last 13 years.
"a nice man, with the most beautiful set of testicles" said Janice Henderson a fellow resident and acquaintance of Timothy,
"The best Domino's player I know, with the darnedest pair of youthful balls" says Adeline Lee, Neighbor and friend to Timothy.
"an elegant coin pouch was attached to that pleasant Gentleman" replied Pearl Rittman when asked for comment.
"El Testiculos más liso" reported Gabriela Gutierez, Mellow Acres Groundskeeper of 7 years.
Commemorative Services are scheduled for this Thursday the 18th of January, Attendees are asked to pay a $14 cover charge to reimburse an acquired cost for the Jazz Funeral and dishonored personal checks from Mr Otterson. A short reading has been prepared by "gotcha Bitches" an executor of the Otterson estate.
"a nice man, with the most beautiful set of testicles" said Janice Henderson a fellow resident and acquaintance of Timothy,
"The best Domino's player I know, with the darnedest pair of youthful balls" says Adeline Lee, Neighbor and friend to Timothy.
"an elegant coin pouch was attached to that pleasant Gentleman" replied Pearl Rittman when asked for comment.
"El Testiculos más liso" reported Gabriela Gutierez, Mellow Acres Groundskeeper of 7 years.
Commemorative Services are scheduled for this Thursday the 18th of January, Attendees are asked to pay a $14 cover charge to reimburse an acquired cost for the Jazz Funeral and dishonored personal checks from Mr Otterson. A short reading has been prepared by "gotcha Bitches" an executor of the Otterson estate.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Moments with a Passerby
I wonder if Michelangelo ever suspected that he may have caught a case of the crazies? and if he did, what tipped him off? I've read that he was known for going weeks without maintaining himself at all, could you imagine walking around all day in the 1500's with serious mud butt? No bath, no deodorant, and no air conditioning. It was also very common for him to be seen wearing the same clothes for weeks, in fact his assistants reported that he frequently slept in his shoes and full garb, they said once he finally removed his footwear; dead skin would peel off his feet like a molting snake. So my question is; how can the brilliant mind responsible for the Sistine Chapel not have the mental capacity to realize he may have missed the on ramp to County Road sanity?
While asking that question I also found myself wondering where the threshold to crazy truly lies, because it would seem that most of our progress has come through unconventional rationale. So in a way isn't crazy either a form of, or at least a pit stop on the way to brilliance? Who really knows?
It is probably safe to assume I will never do anything of substance in this life, let alone something on Michelangelo's level, but I can't help but wonder if I too am going crazy or brilliant/crazy? I haven't stumbled upon a complex scientific algorithm or invented a new Ab Exercise, I have just been doing allot of observing. I cannot claim to be noticing anything terribly original; in fact I'm certain that everyone notices this, I just plan on talking about it like an irritable middle aged stand up comedian until I get credit for noticing it.
I think we have all been in close contact or passed by a complete stranger at some point in our lives...right? ask yourself a question, how did you handle it? do you even notice how you adapted to the situation? chances are you probably do the same thing every time your internal "stranger danger" alarms trip. What do you do? are you the type of person that waits for eye contact to deliver a well rehearsed smile, or are you the type that avoids contact by re-reading your text messages from last week? There is no right answer here, it is all just interesting to me, so much so that I have took the time to categorize and explain the 5 most common greetings I have received from strangers in passing.
The Hey partner: This greeting is commonly mistaken for a Cowboy's "howdy". Much like the howdy this greeting does require some sort of hat or head accessory to grab or make motion towards. The only difference between the two is the hey partner uses a thumb and pointer finger to make the perfect little baby pincher aimed towards the brim of a hat where the Howdy uses an open hand grip intended to remove a traditional Cowboy hat. The difference is in the hands, look for the baby pincher!! This is not the most common greeting I've received but it is the most informative; upon receiving a hey partner from anyone I know exactly the type of person I am dealing with, I know that this person is very conservative, a person of few words and a low tolerance for bullshit. If need be I would keep the conversation on acceptable topics like the weather, local sports teams, or the intricacies of a well groomed mustache.
The bustling Businessperson: The double B (as I call it) has all the perks of a conventional greeting but compressed into a quick nod; half smile, brow raise, or glance. This greeting lasts no more than 4-6 seconds because it often takes attention away from a phone conversation or urgent memo. Try not to be fooled by the attire though, you will not always get a double B from someone in a lady pant suit or a well pressed pair of Khaki's, I've caught double B's from iphone hipsters and Wall Street Journal readers alike. The Double B is more about someone taking time away from something of importance for a brief moment to let you know that they are obviously far too occupied to exchange a full greeting.
The Sup Dude: Easily the least complex and most versatile greeting. You can expect to receive one of these from just about any twenty something Male or Female Lacrosse player, Eye contact is a requirement of this greeting because if not established you may miss the move, look for an attempt to engage at around 10-15 feet, this contact will continue until you have received the abrupt backwards tilt associated with this greet. This half bobble head maneuver is mainly used to broadcast common expressions like; "Sup, Hey Bra, Yo, or duuude"
The Stubborn Old Asian Lady: You know how things have their counter or exact opposite in life? Superman had Kryptonite The Green Lantern and Yellow, The Human Torch kept getting duped by Asbestos......you get the Idea. I'm pretty sure the counter to a wise cracking late 20's white guy is every elderly woman of Asian decent, I have never meet an aged Asian woman that interpreted my remarks in the cutesy manner they were intended. Even the little Filipino lady at Great Clips cuts my hair with a type of resentment that would suggest my Platoon has occupied her peaceful village. I won't say every Asian lady hates me but I definitely get the feeling something is brewing behind those big glasses because I never get eye contact or anything that would qualify as a greeting when I pass by them. So the Stubborn Old Asian Lady just consists of someone completely avoiding contact with you or disregarding your existence, not my favorite greeting but it is a common reaction to a stranger so it does qualify.
The Hey Hey: This toothy Croc (<-- new catch phrase meaning bad mother fucker, it will catch on) is probably the most obvious of all, you will never wonder if you were a recipient of a Hey Hey, this greeting will jump right out at ya and say "HOW THE HELL ARE YA" There are no physical requirements or typical phrases for this interaction, it is simply any form of greeting but intensified with an often high level of energy. You can expect these from mostly girls and spirited young Women. Where most people give nods or slight avowal the Hey Hey'er will go beyond the norm to interact with a stranger, these greetings can come in the form of a rapid moving bent wrist wave , or a loud and lengthy Hiiiiiii. this greeting comes factory standard with most outgoing personalities and is arguably the most memorable, A Hey Hey is also known for injecting a shot of life into anyone who is fortunate enough to catch one.
You might say there are a few other types of greetings missing but I say they are merely variants of my five basic, for example: the quick downward head nod that us esteemed gentleman exchange can be considered a Sup Dude with a sprinkling of The Hey Partner demeanor, a quick smile without conversation could be a Hey Hey/Bustling Business person hybrid. Feel free to use your imagination when identifying your next stranger crossing.
Happy Hunting
Sunday, August 22, 2010
So long Java Train
My written random thoughts are really starting to become a mock of the actual random thoughts I have all to frequently. Much like my internal ramblings, nailing down a solid thought about something crazy going on in my head is actually very difficult; the only difference between the two is that the verbal variety can simply be blurted out sometimes, and if it doesn't go over well: you can simply say "just kidding" or step out of the line at CVS, overall an easy fix. But when attempting to create an amusing anecdote with the same material one must be aware that everything you say is permanent and has the potential to be quoted at a party or used as incriminating evidence. That pressure is probably the reason I have two abandoned posts, one of which I spent a solid hour researching Michelangelo to create the perfect segue into my newest random thought. Like a good movie, I feel like an audience needs to have background information and a proper introduction to their protagonist before they start blurting shit out like an incoherent Facebook status update: "I LOOOVE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES, OFF TO THE BANK".
So with that being said, I cannot allow this post to veer off towards a T-Pain music video or a day nap like my Michelangelo research did, I actually have something important to talk about; my departure from the Java train. (Nailed this segue!!!!!)
Much like carrying around a bastard love child, I have been attached to the Java Train for close to nine months now and it has been such a fun and/or traumatizing ride. My time working there can easily be compared to some of the best times I've had working in the past, but what made this time special was knowing that everything ends, so I savored every laugh along the way. I really did enjoy knowing everyone and I feel like I should say a few things about some of the main characters that made my time there memorable.
Brian: Who else would I start with besides my main man Memphis!! I think it took me all of about 15min to realize you were gonna be my "Bro Fo Sho" at work. I don't know what all those pussies in Vietnam were complaining about? fuck Charlies in the weeds!! we saw some real heavy shit man, we spun pizzas with reckless abandon and created the slacker Olympics. I have to be honest and say that even though you were 19 I always considered you a peer because you have this understanding of being funny that only came to me through years of awkward situations and terrible decisions, and you are also more serious than you get credit for. When I look back on being your age I can't think of a single person including myself that was as original, creative, or aware as you are, most kids your age are entirely too occupied with being bags of douche instead of bettering themselves, and I think you are aware of that and you have separated yourself. Without giving you the full Ben Afleck Good Will Hunting speech I just want to demand that you stay creative and find something that makes you happy in life, and DO NOT!!!! DO NOT!!!! get some crazy ass girl pregnant until you get your shit together.
Katie: What can I say half pint? so many good times come to mind, remember when I made you laugh so hard you spit your drink out everywhere? remember when you used to scale the shelves to reach stuff? how about our time spent together at the pickle bucket dinner? I'm gonna miss ya Bossy Smurf!! I will miss telling you embarrassing things and then trying to stop you from telling everyone which just made it more funny. Hell I never really cared how loose lipped you were with everything because it just created really funny situations, I truly think it is hilarious when someone calls me on my bullshit and you rarely let me slide in that regard. I recently told you that you were a "dude chick" which doesn't make you any less girly, it just means that you avoid the trappings of becoming the typical nagging, clingy, over bearing girl that seem to be all to common now, I think it is awesome that you get the male perspective and you understand how incredibly simple we are. I still can't believe some of the things you have joked about with me, some of them would have made for a really funny harassment lawsuit if we worked in a corporate gig. I wish you best of luck in the future and I refuse to wish you luck with being a mother because I know you won't need it, that 5 pounder is gonna enjoy having such a cool mom.
Caroline: Ok so Star Wars is hosting a pancake breakfast next weekend, I'm told that Chewy, C-3PO, and a few Tusken Raiders are scheduled to appear.........will you come with me? unlike last time this proposal will come with full date parameters, I will be bringing my Letter Jacket and a Corsage. My Mother will be transporting us in her Buick and I have a coupon for a free Appetizer at the Outback Steak House. I cannot promise anything....BUT if you play your cards right I will be open to a mild amount of hand holding. Since I have made it no secret from the very beginning that I cannot get enough Caroline, I will not waste any more time saying it again. I will just say that you have made everything there enjoyable, it has always been my mission to make you smile and I'm glad that I accomplished it a few times.
Aaron: nice shorts DORK!!!! I really hope you know that I don't just tease anyone for anything, I would only give someone such a hard time because I am friendly with them, so I really hope you didn't take any of my teasing too seriously. It sucks that you weren't around much in the last couple of months but after I leave don't feel like you couldn't call me up to hang, you know I'm always down for some binge drinking and video gamin.
Morgan: I have a theory about you Morgan, you are like Ice Cream to me, I have never been able to stay angry or sad while looking at the Ice Cream, and the same holds true about you. You are like a tiny walking Rainbow of happiness with your candy jewelry and quirky accessories, I knew you were cool when I saw that you drove around with a big Care Bear buckled into a baby seat. Everything about you is warm and friendly, whatever you do don't change that.
Lauren: Ok you are a little weird, lets just get that out of the way. I don't quite have you figured out yet, but I'm exited to learn more. I have always thought that you haven't got a fair shake with everyone, it just seemed like the gossip got a little out of hand and nobody took the time to hear the facts. In the few times we have hung out I have had insane amounts of fun, you have a rare "fuck it" way of laughing and I can't wait to make you lose your shit laughing in New York, we will make such huge asses out of ourselves, I can't wait.
Jenny: For some reason I have always tried not to swear around you, when I do my Jenny impersonation I just act like the Queen of England, because she is very classy and proper, I don't know why that is, it is just how I see you in my head, I imagine that you are the type of person who would never do or say anything hurtful to anyone. That was all before I saw Cigar smoking Mobster Jenny the other day, maybe your a secret bad ass or something; who knows? I also think it is so honorable how you commit yourself to causes and you volunteer your time to help where others can't find the time, the world really needs more people like you.
I really did enjoy working with everyone, I honestly can't say I didn't like anyone *cough Sheraye cough* everyone was awesome.
Thanks Java Train
So with that being said, I cannot allow this post to veer off towards a T-Pain music video or a day nap like my Michelangelo research did, I actually have something important to talk about; my departure from the Java train. (Nailed this segue!!!!!)
Much like carrying around a bastard love child, I have been attached to the Java Train for close to nine months now and it has been such a fun and/or traumatizing ride. My time working there can easily be compared to some of the best times I've had working in the past, but what made this time special was knowing that everything ends, so I savored every laugh along the way. I really did enjoy knowing everyone and I feel like I should say a few things about some of the main characters that made my time there memorable.
Brian: Who else would I start with besides my main man Memphis!! I think it took me all of about 15min to realize you were gonna be my "Bro Fo Sho" at work. I don't know what all those pussies in Vietnam were complaining about? fuck Charlies in the weeds!! we saw some real heavy shit man, we spun pizzas with reckless abandon and created the slacker Olympics. I have to be honest and say that even though you were 19 I always considered you a peer because you have this understanding of being funny that only came to me through years of awkward situations and terrible decisions, and you are also more serious than you get credit for. When I look back on being your age I can't think of a single person including myself that was as original, creative, or aware as you are, most kids your age are entirely too occupied with being bags of douche instead of bettering themselves, and I think you are aware of that and you have separated yourself. Without giving you the full Ben Afleck Good Will Hunting speech I just want to demand that you stay creative and find something that makes you happy in life, and DO NOT!!!! DO NOT!!!! get some crazy ass girl pregnant until you get your shit together.
Katie: What can I say half pint? so many good times come to mind, remember when I made you laugh so hard you spit your drink out everywhere? remember when you used to scale the shelves to reach stuff? how about our time spent together at the pickle bucket dinner? I'm gonna miss ya Bossy Smurf!! I will miss telling you embarrassing things and then trying to stop you from telling everyone which just made it more funny. Hell I never really cared how loose lipped you were with everything because it just created really funny situations, I truly think it is hilarious when someone calls me on my bullshit and you rarely let me slide in that regard. I recently told you that you were a "dude chick" which doesn't make you any less girly, it just means that you avoid the trappings of becoming the typical nagging, clingy, over bearing girl that seem to be all to common now, I think it is awesome that you get the male perspective and you understand how incredibly simple we are. I still can't believe some of the things you have joked about with me, some of them would have made for a really funny harassment lawsuit if we worked in a corporate gig. I wish you best of luck in the future and I refuse to wish you luck with being a mother because I know you won't need it, that 5 pounder is gonna enjoy having such a cool mom.
Caroline: Ok so Star Wars is hosting a pancake breakfast next weekend, I'm told that Chewy, C-3PO, and a few Tusken Raiders are scheduled to appear.........will you come with me? unlike last time this proposal will come with full date parameters, I will be bringing my Letter Jacket and a Corsage. My Mother will be transporting us in her Buick and I have a coupon for a free Appetizer at the Outback Steak House. I cannot promise anything....BUT if you play your cards right I will be open to a mild amount of hand holding. Since I have made it no secret from the very beginning that I cannot get enough Caroline, I will not waste any more time saying it again. I will just say that you have made everything there enjoyable, it has always been my mission to make you smile and I'm glad that I accomplished it a few times.
Aaron: nice shorts DORK!!!! I really hope you know that I don't just tease anyone for anything, I would only give someone such a hard time because I am friendly with them, so I really hope you didn't take any of my teasing too seriously. It sucks that you weren't around much in the last couple of months but after I leave don't feel like you couldn't call me up to hang, you know I'm always down for some binge drinking and video gamin.
Morgan: I have a theory about you Morgan, you are like Ice Cream to me, I have never been able to stay angry or sad while looking at the Ice Cream, and the same holds true about you. You are like a tiny walking Rainbow of happiness with your candy jewelry and quirky accessories, I knew you were cool when I saw that you drove around with a big Care Bear buckled into a baby seat. Everything about you is warm and friendly, whatever you do don't change that.
Lauren: Ok you are a little weird, lets just get that out of the way. I don't quite have you figured out yet, but I'm exited to learn more. I have always thought that you haven't got a fair shake with everyone, it just seemed like the gossip got a little out of hand and nobody took the time to hear the facts. In the few times we have hung out I have had insane amounts of fun, you have a rare "fuck it" way of laughing and I can't wait to make you lose your shit laughing in New York, we will make such huge asses out of ourselves, I can't wait.
Jenny: For some reason I have always tried not to swear around you, when I do my Jenny impersonation I just act like the Queen of England, because she is very classy and proper, I don't know why that is, it is just how I see you in my head, I imagine that you are the type of person who would never do or say anything hurtful to anyone. That was all before I saw Cigar smoking Mobster Jenny the other day, maybe your a secret bad ass or something; who knows? I also think it is so honorable how you commit yourself to causes and you volunteer your time to help where others can't find the time, the world really needs more people like you.
I really did enjoy working with everyone, I honestly can't say I didn't like anyone *cough Sheraye cough* everyone was awesome.
Thanks Java Train
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A Maggie for any situation
While waiting in line at Target the other day I found myself perusing the small impulse purchase section right next to the register, There really wasn't any one thing that grabbed my attention, in fact I spent most of my Time wondering about the type of sporadic thinkers this section must be marketed to. Imagine being the person that is standing in line thinking "SHIT I am out of chap stick, HEY I bet my Remote control Batteries could use refreshing, DANG my supply of Bic lighters is dwindling; I better grab another 6 pack, WOW I haven't played Solitaire in ages; maybe It's time for me to invest in a quality deck of playing cards". I'm not criticizing the idea of last minute register purchases, I just know for me buying impulsively doesn't work because I often suffer from severe buyers remorse and Future Tim is tasked with the duty of rationalizing my irresponsible buys; " REALLY Tim did we need to buy a variety pack of pocket combs?!?!? well they were on sale and now I can afford to lose a couple of them" That is a prime example of the inner dialog when I make terrible decisions, most times I come to the conclusion that I may be an idiot. So in attempt to spare myself the impending grief, I try to not make ill advised or impulse purchases.
Although the majority of my rash decisions do not go over well, I do believe that my hasty decision to adopt a pet is going surprisingly well. I went from just saying I wanted a dog to having one 3 days later, and I don't just have any dog I have Maggie, The most pretty and friendly Collie mix one could ask for, but Being a rescued dog she also has quite a few behavioral issues, but Future Tim is already finding creative ways to rationalize this decision, for example I was worried about her issues with cats but I'm telling myself: "screw cats, who needs to be friendly with something that poops in a sandbox anyway?" Also being a former stray may be cause for concern but I remind myself: "you know if Springsteen hadn't wondered around the boardwalks or hitchhiked across the Midwest he would have never wrote the river and Manfred Mann's Earth Band would be a REO Speedwagon tribute band". Overall I still feel very good about my choice to adopt Maggie and I have nothing but confidence that I can correct the issues that so many have obviously given up on.
In the time I've spent training Maggie she has actually forced a tough lesson on me. In order to manage an insecure or distracted dog, one must always exude the utmost confidence and ability to diffuse any situation, hesitation or fear will actually escalate her insecurity and damage the trust every dog needs to have in their leader. In a way Maggie is reminding me that in life sometimes you must have a blind confidence in yourself; because if you aren't sure about you then how can anyone else be. It really feels good having someone in my life that needs me to be absolute in everything I do, and it is my goal to remember that leader in everyday situations where I find myself lacking confidence or doubting myself. In a way my Maggie is becoming more of a state of mind than a pet.
So I think a valid question would be: what is your Maggie in your life? What helps remind you that you are good at something and puts you in a position of confidence in yourself.
HEY.....SIT!!!
Although the majority of my rash decisions do not go over well, I do believe that my hasty decision to adopt a pet is going surprisingly well. I went from just saying I wanted a dog to having one 3 days later, and I don't just have any dog I have Maggie, The most pretty and friendly Collie mix one could ask for, but Being a rescued dog she also has quite a few behavioral issues, but Future Tim is already finding creative ways to rationalize this decision, for example I was worried about her issues with cats but I'm telling myself: "screw cats, who needs to be friendly with something that poops in a sandbox anyway?" Also being a former stray may be cause for concern but I remind myself: "you know if Springsteen hadn't wondered around the boardwalks or hitchhiked across the Midwest he would have never wrote the river and Manfred Mann's Earth Band would be a REO Speedwagon tribute band". Overall I still feel very good about my choice to adopt Maggie and I have nothing but confidence that I can correct the issues that so many have obviously given up on.
In the time I've spent training Maggie she has actually forced a tough lesson on me. In order to manage an insecure or distracted dog, one must always exude the utmost confidence and ability to diffuse any situation, hesitation or fear will actually escalate her insecurity and damage the trust every dog needs to have in their leader. In a way Maggie is reminding me that in life sometimes you must have a blind confidence in yourself; because if you aren't sure about you then how can anyone else be. It really feels good having someone in my life that needs me to be absolute in everything I do, and it is my goal to remember that leader in everyday situations where I find myself lacking confidence or doubting myself. In a way my Maggie is becoming more of a state of mind than a pet.
So I think a valid question would be: what is your Maggie in your life? What helps remind you that you are good at something and puts you in a position of confidence in yourself.
HEY.....SIT!!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
The deconstruction of interaction
The Townhouse complex I live in is pretty awesome, I have all the freedoms of a homeowner with none of the responsibility in terms of yard work and external upkeep. In addition to those perks, my property also came with a great family next door, I could not imagine sharing a small slab of communal cement with a better family, I have spoke with every member of their family briefly and I've got the impression that everyone thinks I am just a swell young man, everyone except of coarse Tyson, the family dog. Standing at a towering 8 inches tall, Tyson is every bit the bad ass one would expect a Yorkshire Terrier to be, he possesses the menacing bark and show quality blond coat any dog would need to startle a napping kitten.
I only speak of my pal Tyson for two reasons; ONE: I hope he somehow reads this and then subsequently stops barking at me while I'm trying to sneak obese VFW bar skeezers into my house at 2am, and TWO: I must credit him with putting my thinking gears in motion about how we interact with each other. Earlier this week I found myself in another classic showdown with Tyson, he did his usual barking and I, like any worthy adversary would, reminded him that he cannot scare me while being afraid of his own shadow at the same time, you know the usual. But this time instead of laughing and walking away, I decided to offer my hand up to him in an attempt to quell our silly rivalry, long story short he sniffed me, backed away slowly, and continued growling at me.
While I am not surprised Tyson rejected my olive branch, I am however curious as to what he could have possibly smelled that confirmed his suspicions of me? and that really got me thinking. What if we were all judged in such a simple way? what if I could tell everything I needed to know about someone within the first 30 seconds of meeting them? I'm not saying we should go around sniffing our way to friendship, but there has got to be something better than the way we are currently doing it.
This generation unlike any before it, are communicating and receiving information faster than ever imagined, and yet our most primal of medium has become an esoteric concept, how can this be? Has the influence of text messaging, Television, and the Internet officially Trickled down to how we converse? I am beginning to notice subtle hints that would suggest so.
What ever happened to eye contact; confidence, conviction, and just saying what is on your mind? We have transformed ourselves into professional self editors, truly honest thought or ideal hardly ever occurs without adjustment now, we have become so terrified of the perceptual "awkward" or unintelligent action. When meeting someone new you are more likely to catch a quick "hey" and a limp wristed wave than a firm handshake followed by eye contact and a "hello, nice to meet you" why is that? have we lost that much confidence in ourselves that we have forgotten how to simply introduce our most familiar of friends...ourselves.
Introductions are not the only area in which I take issue, I also hate how nobody ever really Say's anything, I almost envy the rapport shared by the mentally challenged, as offensive as it may seem, I would much rather have a conversation with someone that opens with: "Hi I'm Gerald, and I like Marshmallows" because at least now I actually know something about Gerald, I know he likes Marshmallows. I have spent hours talking with people and only learned about their default details. The sad part is that these people are not boring, they have just been convinced that they are somehow, so they play it safe by only talking about their work, school, or the weather. Everyone is interesting and there is no such thing as awkward, life is awkward, I consider it awkward to not embrace how imperfect and unpredictable we are. We hardly ever say the right thing at the right time and we are never really as cool as we would like each other to think we are.
So With that being said, shouldn't we approach all interaction with the understanding that every one of us are complex and social beings just waiting to be engaged. And would it kill us to greet one another in way that acknowledges these truths, perhaps Eskimo kisses?
Rabble Rabble
I only speak of my pal Tyson for two reasons; ONE: I hope he somehow reads this and then subsequently stops barking at me while I'm trying to sneak obese VFW bar skeezers into my house at 2am, and TWO: I must credit him with putting my thinking gears in motion about how we interact with each other. Earlier this week I found myself in another classic showdown with Tyson, he did his usual barking and I, like any worthy adversary would, reminded him that he cannot scare me while being afraid of his own shadow at the same time, you know the usual. But this time instead of laughing and walking away, I decided to offer my hand up to him in an attempt to quell our silly rivalry, long story short he sniffed me, backed away slowly, and continued growling at me.
While I am not surprised Tyson rejected my olive branch, I am however curious as to what he could have possibly smelled that confirmed his suspicions of me? and that really got me thinking. What if we were all judged in such a simple way? what if I could tell everything I needed to know about someone within the first 30 seconds of meeting them? I'm not saying we should go around sniffing our way to friendship, but there has got to be something better than the way we are currently doing it.
This generation unlike any before it, are communicating and receiving information faster than ever imagined, and yet our most primal of medium has become an esoteric concept, how can this be? Has the influence of text messaging, Television, and the Internet officially Trickled down to how we converse? I am beginning to notice subtle hints that would suggest so.
What ever happened to eye contact; confidence, conviction, and just saying what is on your mind? We have transformed ourselves into professional self editors, truly honest thought or ideal hardly ever occurs without adjustment now, we have become so terrified of the perceptual "awkward" or unintelligent action. When meeting someone new you are more likely to catch a quick "hey" and a limp wristed wave than a firm handshake followed by eye contact and a "hello, nice to meet you" why is that? have we lost that much confidence in ourselves that we have forgotten how to simply introduce our most familiar of friends...ourselves.
Introductions are not the only area in which I take issue, I also hate how nobody ever really Say's anything, I almost envy the rapport shared by the mentally challenged, as offensive as it may seem, I would much rather have a conversation with someone that opens with: "Hi I'm Gerald, and I like Marshmallows" because at least now I actually know something about Gerald, I know he likes Marshmallows. I have spent hours talking with people and only learned about their default details. The sad part is that these people are not boring, they have just been convinced that they are somehow, so they play it safe by only talking about their work, school, or the weather. Everyone is interesting and there is no such thing as awkward, life is awkward, I consider it awkward to not embrace how imperfect and unpredictable we are. We hardly ever say the right thing at the right time and we are never really as cool as we would like each other to think we are.
So With that being said, shouldn't we approach all interaction with the understanding that every one of us are complex and social beings just waiting to be engaged. And would it kill us to greet one another in way that acknowledges these truths, perhaps Eskimo kisses?
Rabble Rabble
Friday, April 30, 2010
A decade in transit
Has anyone ever sat and thought about the amount of time we spend in an automobile throughout our lives? Over an 85 year lifespan the average person will be in transit for approximately 8.5 years, and that is without factoring in the time spent immobile while you catch that last ear full of Kenny Loggins, or you pull over to hit your disobedient children. That eight and a half years is solely time spent on your way to and from a destination.
Take some time one day and sort through your fondest car memories, pick a few out, call them your "transportation's greatest hits" if you'd like. Remember the school bus? the soundtrack? the elderly? The drive in? the drive thru? the drive by? So many great memories have been created in our four wheeled fun boxes, almost an entire decade worth. Can anyone honestly compare the time spent in our cars with any other decade? are our cars to blame for Acid Wash Jeans, she mullets, and Kirk Cameron....? When was the last time your car invited you over for a night of Magic Cards, Crystal Meth, and a prescreen of Empire Records......?
While most would agree that the appearance of our cars have changed over the years, could anyone dispute the impact these majestic steel beasts have had on our lives? They have towed our cargo with the strength of a mighty oxen, stored our belongings in their compartments like the noble kangaroo, and most importantly they have watched over our children and dogs like the wise owl while we shop and gamble.
For their years of service and loyalty what have we given back to our cars? how are we spending this decade in transition? We are throwing it away for our text messages and cheap thrills, hell most people don't even enjoy the time they spend in their car, if you don't believe me take a glance over at your next stop light, take close looks at Deborah downer or Douglas Doucher, They are either steaming mad or pre occupied with looking important on their cell phone. HEY it's not your cars fault you have been exploring new areas of lame in your life. Now put down the phone and roll your windows down, turn that music up and enjoy your ride. This is the one part of your day that is void of expectations and responsibilities. your only concerns should be seated dancing and steering wheel drum solo's.
It is no accident that the journey is often more fulfilling than the destination, so I say we start enjoying our travels and salvage what is left of our decade in transit while we still can.
Thank you and goodnight
Take some time one day and sort through your fondest car memories, pick a few out, call them your "transportation's greatest hits" if you'd like. Remember the school bus? the soundtrack? the elderly? The drive in? the drive thru? the drive by? So many great memories have been created in our four wheeled fun boxes, almost an entire decade worth. Can anyone honestly compare the time spent in our cars with any other decade? are our cars to blame for Acid Wash Jeans, she mullets, and Kirk Cameron....? When was the last time your car invited you over for a night of Magic Cards, Crystal Meth, and a prescreen of Empire Records......?
While most would agree that the appearance of our cars have changed over the years, could anyone dispute the impact these majestic steel beasts have had on our lives? They have towed our cargo with the strength of a mighty oxen, stored our belongings in their compartments like the noble kangaroo, and most importantly they have watched over our children and dogs like the wise owl while we shop and gamble.
For their years of service and loyalty what have we given back to our cars? how are we spending this decade in transition? We are throwing it away for our text messages and cheap thrills, hell most people don't even enjoy the time they spend in their car, if you don't believe me take a glance over at your next stop light, take close looks at Deborah downer or Douglas Doucher, They are either steaming mad or pre occupied with looking important on their cell phone. HEY it's not your cars fault you have been exploring new areas of lame in your life. Now put down the phone and roll your windows down, turn that music up and enjoy your ride. This is the one part of your day that is void of expectations and responsibilities. your only concerns should be seated dancing and steering wheel drum solo's.
It is no accident that the journey is often more fulfilling than the destination, so I say we start enjoying our travels and salvage what is left of our decade in transit while we still can.
Thank you and goodnight
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I am Handi-cappable
I wrote this November 13, 2007, I had broken my ankle and found myself with allot of free time on my hands.
Intolerance, bigotry, hatred, and discrimination. To me Those words have never had definitions or faces until today, I have always considered myself a positive and lucky person until today, my outlook on the planet earth and it's inhabitants has always been optimistic and trusting until today. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about I will explain, yesterday tragedy had successfully carried out a terrorist attack on my ankle rendering it broken and useless, it was a blatant and cruel attack on the freedom and democracy of the honest hard working American bones in my leg. I am almost certain that this is an isolated incidence and completely accidental, but just as a precautionary measure I am told that "Hot Sauce" from the ESPN series "Streetball" and Tayna Harding are being questioned by the Brooklyn Park Police department, but do not worry my friends I haven't put all my faith in the police department to solve this mystery I have also sent letters to Detective Jack Mccoy of Law and orders special victims unit, Horatio Caine of crime scene investigations based in Miami, and Ben Matlock the snoopy crime solving criminal defense attorney. I have sent them letters and files containing evidence, possible leads, and a request for an autographed head shot, all I can do now is wait and hope for the best.
The mystery of my broken ankle is not my main reason for writing this blog, instead I would like to create some awareness about a largely under appreciated minority in America....that's right I am talking about native disabled Americans. WAKE UP AMERICA!!! we are people too and we demand to be listened to and treated with the respect and dignity we deserve, we are more than just the people who get the good parking spots and prescription pills, we are interesting, intellectual, influential members of our communities and we will not tolerate the discrimination and downright physical bigotry that the rest of you people with fully functioning limbs have used to keep us down over the years. WE ARE NOT gimps, cripples, or handicapped!!! those words will no longer be used as tools for the oppression of my people, we refuse to live in prisons of social discrimination, we will not accept any forms of verbal intolerance. From this day forth we will only be referred to as "handi-capable" and nothing else!! any other attempts of verbal slander using the aforementioned words of hatred will be considered a violation of our rights as handi-capable Americans, and furthermore anyone who feels the need to use the G, C, or H words will be shunned by all handi-capable persons everywhere until the perpetrator issues an official apology to our Ambassador of disability Professor Stephen Hawking. Also even though we have not received enough votes in the senate to pass the pity sex bill for all persons who legally qualify for handi-capable status, any and all acts of pity related sexual acts by beautiful women will still be considered acts of extreme heroism and patriotism for your country.
Thank you and goodnight.
Intolerance, bigotry, hatred, and discrimination. To me Those words have never had definitions or faces until today, I have always considered myself a positive and lucky person until today, my outlook on the planet earth and it's inhabitants has always been optimistic and trusting until today. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about I will explain, yesterday tragedy had successfully carried out a terrorist attack on my ankle rendering it broken and useless, it was a blatant and cruel attack on the freedom and democracy of the honest hard working American bones in my leg. I am almost certain that this is an isolated incidence and completely accidental, but just as a precautionary measure I am told that "Hot Sauce" from the ESPN series "Streetball" and Tayna Harding are being questioned by the Brooklyn Park Police department, but do not worry my friends I haven't put all my faith in the police department to solve this mystery I have also sent letters to Detective Jack Mccoy of Law and orders special victims unit, Horatio Caine of crime scene investigations based in Miami, and Ben Matlock the snoopy crime solving criminal defense attorney. I have sent them letters and files containing evidence, possible leads, and a request for an autographed head shot, all I can do now is wait and hope for the best.
The mystery of my broken ankle is not my main reason for writing this blog, instead I would like to create some awareness about a largely under appreciated minority in America....that's right I am talking about native disabled Americans. WAKE UP AMERICA!!! we are people too and we demand to be listened to and treated with the respect and dignity we deserve, we are more than just the people who get the good parking spots and prescription pills, we are interesting, intellectual, influential members of our communities and we will not tolerate the discrimination and downright physical bigotry that the rest of you people with fully functioning limbs have used to keep us down over the years. WE ARE NOT gimps, cripples, or handicapped!!! those words will no longer be used as tools for the oppression of my people, we refuse to live in prisons of social discrimination, we will not accept any forms of verbal intolerance. From this day forth we will only be referred to as "handi-capable" and nothing else!! any other attempts of verbal slander using the aforementioned words of hatred will be considered a violation of our rights as handi-capable Americans, and furthermore anyone who feels the need to use the G, C, or H words will be shunned by all handi-capable persons everywhere until the perpetrator issues an official apology to our Ambassador of disability Professor Stephen Hawking. Also even though we have not received enough votes in the senate to pass the pity sex bill for all persons who legally qualify for handi-capable status, any and all acts of pity related sexual acts by beautiful women will still be considered acts of extreme heroism and patriotism for your country.
Thank you and goodnight.
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