He chose Pancakes

How could I possibly sleep now? How can I resume the episode of Frontline you interrupted? Suddenly the Taliban resurgence in South Afghanistan isn't so interesting. I was preparing to make my nightly paradoxical sleep appointment, I should probably reschedule now, maybe I'll find an opening in the afternoon tomorrow, I'm sure there will be.

So here I sit in front of this monitor, Alligator is on it's eighth track "Val Jester" which means it took me way too long to complete the first paragraph of this post, that can't be a good sign. Usually by now I'm off the blocks with something readable, I would have been comfortable enough to land a couple C+ knee slappers by now.

I've compromised so many full nights of sleep in my life it's frightening. Six hours would often be enough sleep if I hadn't seen the episode of Newsradio secretly airing in my bedroom past bedtime on a school night; Five hours would suffice if I was finishing up another hand written High School love letter, if Lions were being documented I watched and slept another day, the exact time needed to sober up after a fun night has often been 4....3...or maybe 2 Hours.

In most cases I would regret my decision to skip a full night of sleep when dragging ass at work or wasting a day off napping, it always seemed so pointless, "what did I accomplish staying up so late?" I'd frequently ask myself the next day, I never had a proper explanation for myself. I can however remember a handful of significant nights where the content and memory of the night before created a joyful high that lasted throughout the next day and made the decision to buck sleep a wise one. You never really know if losing sleep is worth while until the next day, that's what makes it such an interesting gamble, you could end up with an unforgettable night or an irritable morning of hatred for Raymond's Lovable sitcom.

I am now writing this post in the Year 2011, I've swapped the ball dropping and Champagne for yahoo news and hipster rock; which is an upgrade from my previous plans. I would have been sleeping by now if it wasn't for you, if you wouldn't have accidentally blurted out that Pancake and French Toast phrase I would be cleaning up the streets of Gotham as I type this right now (I make a WAY better Batman than Val Kilmer in my dreams).

Sometimes people have such a unique and memorable way of explaining things, when you described the simple choice as Pancakes and French Toast I knew it would be a night of little sleep for me, I would need Hours to analyze our conversation, and writing something verses laying in bed awake thinking about you and Kitten Mittens (normal bed time thoughts) seemed like the more productive activity.

It's been 3 hours since we've talked and I still have nothing of value to say, which is odd because usually I can offer something uplifting in these situations. I've always took pride in being helpful, mostly through levity, but overall helpful. It pains me to contribute nothing, I spent most of the conversation with a hand over my mouth to resist the urge of saying something dumb, I was unprepared and ill equipped for support, I could only hope listening was enough. To be considered important enough to call in a situation like this means a great deal to me, I won't need to wait for tomorrow, my sleep gamble is already paying off. I'm now glad I opted out of celebrating tonight, I would have missed your call and been unable to offer what little help I did.

Happy New Year

Harrison Bergeron; legendary Boat Rocker

Whoa, easy Trotsee, slow it down, called Diana with a sharp command and firm pull on the reins, let's stop here for a spell, Momma needs to re-glitter before we nab Curly Bill and that posse of his. Heeding his riders command Trotsee slowed and casually traveled off the dirt trail using the two beat gait which assuredly inspired his lovable name. Nice weather we're getting tonight, commented Diana in between sparkle applications, reckon we're in for rain though, Reckon so Trotsee? While her loyal prairie companion was a stable ride; he was not much in the way of conversation. During the all too frequent rests a Shetland required Diana would often find their dialogue a little lacking, almost one sided, But it never stopped her from mission briefing her short legged deputy. Now remember Trotsee when we get to Raccoon City keep your eyes fixed for Bill or any of his gunmen, these aren't our everyday pocketbook lifters, these boys are real troublesome Varmints, they are all crooked as a Dog's Hind Legs and mean enough to hunt Bears with a Hickory Switch. Diane always had a clever quip to kick start a manhunt and she had no reservations about sharing them with an oblivious Pony. Well let's hit the trail pal, giddy-up Ya Ya shouted Diana as the two Lawmen disappeared in the shade of a setting sun.

DIANA MOON GLAMPERS!!!!!! what in the hell are you doing? upon receiving no response Susanne angrily tied the fabric belt around her cashmere robe and took 3 purposeful steps down the tastefully decorated hallway of the Glampers Estate, I say again, Diana what the hell are you doing? it is Three Thirty in the God Damn Morning!! again nothing... fully enraged and prescription sedated Susanne sprang into the perfect jogging mechanics learned from "Chad" the family Trainer on retainer, In full stride Susanne passed her daughter snatching a mysterious jar from her hand before making a roadblock of her outstretched limbs. Diana!! Susanne cried, stop it, knock it off right now, startled and unwilling to break character Diana replied; why howdy Ma, what brings you round these parts? Upon landing an open handed right hook to her Daughter's cheek Misses Glampers asked for the third time, what are you doing, and whatever could you be straddling that Broom for? Awww Mom, this is Trotsee my Horse partner and we are headed for adventure, Reckon we are gonna....SMACK, another shot lands, this time to the left cheek, unlike the first hook this was the sobering blow that dropped the cowgirl act and gave Susanne her full attention. DIANA, stay away from the brooms! they are not Horses, they are to be used by the help and the help only, and for the last time stop eating the Glitter Glue, But Moooom interrupted Diana, it makes everything taste pretty, and when I get sick the toilet gets all shiny. I do not care Diana, no more eating the Glitter Glue, no exceptions, now go back to bed.

Ted Glampers; Father to three practicing lawyers, a humble Chiropractor, and The Handicapper General Diana Moon Glampers. Being the President of New York's Federal Reserve Bank and most recently the Secretary of Treasury for the United States the Glampers family hardly concerned themselves with money, all Glampers were entitled to an ivy league education before they could spell education, no Glampers would ever want for anything, all except Diana. She could not spell education until her mid Thirties after the work of countless medical specialists, she would forever be unable to enjoy the privileges of wealth and success, that would be reason enough for Susanne to quit her Cosmetic Surgery practice to care for Diana full time.

Once an understanding and routine of Diana's condition was reached Susanne would quickly find work with a non profit clinical research team, or what socially conservative Ted referred to as: "Hippy work". Susanne never gave reason for her change of career, most assumed she discovered the need to help with the greater good inside her, but most likely she was burdened by her family history of mental illness. The Glampers were of such superior and well documented Genes, how could she ever admit to her husband the treasurer and close friend of the President himself that her Moon blood had tainted the noble Glampers line.

Convenient enough for Diana, or Teds political endeavors, the future had become equal, in the year 2081 everyone had fully adjusted to amendments 211-213 changes. Everyone was wearing their handicaps, no one was smarter, stronger, or more attractive than anyone, everyone wore a handicap, everyone except Diana Moon Glampers, her mental illness was her weightless handicap, and having a non restricting handicap made her a perfect fit for the position of Handicapper General, or so Ted claimed in his pitch to his golf pal Chuck, the President. "Even with a mental illness Diana can stumble across clarity in judgment we cannot with our handicaps".

While Susanne publicly protested her Daughters appointment, she secretly felt redemption for her family secret, she often wondered would Ted keep her if he knew, if he was privy to such a shameful blemish, would he? he couldn't. For three years The office of the handicapper General was what seemed to be the type of "no show" job that was popular with the Teamsters and Organized Crime every handicapped child learned about in their history books at an equal pace. Everyone seemed to like the new laws, there was almost nothing to govern. Within the first month of nothing Diana made her first executive decision, she ordered her permanently empty inbox rigged as another outbox. While nothing urgent ever reached her desk she was flooded with pictures torn from coloring books in need of shipping. Years went by, nothing ever came, but the pictures of pretty kittens and rainbows always went out, each one with increasing amounts of glitter and disregard for coloring within the lines.

The future for the Glampers had never seemed so bright, if Diana, their secret liability was functioning normally in society then handicaps were truly a blessing. How could Susanne or any Glampers disagree? Who would ever want to revisit the dark ages of competition and who would wish for poor Diana to live in difference to anyone? that much was clear to everyone, even Diana, she was aware if everyone wasn't equal then she would be the black sheep, her existence would become that of medications and treatment, she would never see Trotsee again and her crayons would surely be taken from her. So when news broke of Young Harrison Bergeron and his willful defiance of the law; the position of Handicapper General suddenly became necessary and Diana did what she had to, less the loading of a double barreled ten gauge shotgun, Susanne helped with that.

Le Thru Drive

Here is some more homework, this was apart of a menu assignment and was the vision statement of my Restaurant, The instructor found this pretty amusing and I got an A on it.

Le Thru Drive is a unique upscale dining experience that is designed to serve Americas fastest growing demographic...Lazy people. I pose this question to you the consumer. How many times have you been at home relaxing and watching Jeopardy when that commercial for your local ritzy restaurant comes on and demands your attention? How many times have you wanted to enjoy a Thirty Five Dollar Plate of Lobster but the fear of traveling to one of those dim lighted smooth jazz shacks quickly changes your mind? How many times have you wanted a fresh serving of your favorite Risotto But you know that your only fine dining Blazer hasn't been cleaned since your father wore it to his job interview in 1985? does the idea of leaving your sweat pants behind scare you?

If you answered yes to any of those questions then Le Thru Drive is the restaurant for you. We offer the fine dining you seek with the drive thru convenience you need. Burgers and low grade beef tacos are no longer your only food choices while in your car.

You may think that fine dining served through a drive up window may seem a bit unrealistic, but we at Le Thru Drive refuse to let logic or reasoning interfere with our tradition of innovation and Cutting edge culinary cuisine.

We also believe that Americans should be allowed to create their own dining atmosphere, and what place is more suited for that then your own car? Groundbreaking advances in cup holder engineering and thought provoking AM talk radio have made modern cars the perfect destination for fine dining and entertainment. When was the last time you gained anything from a night of Lionel Richie music and small talk about someone else's kids? Stay in your car, get up to date with current events, wear sandals, finish reading that owners manual in your glove box. Choose Le thru Dive.

Tough Cookies

Isn't it funny how little snippets of a memory can stick in your mind and define the entire memory they were cut from, let's see if I can articulate. Last Winter in my Baking course our class was assigned a History of baking essay, the objective was to pick something interesting in the baking field and write a factual report on it, So this wannabe trendsetter fixed his peepers on something original and never looked back. I chose to write the true life story of Poppin Fresh, you know-the Pillsbury Dough Boy, it was titled "Tough Cookies" and there was a limitless source of content to be found, so much that I quickly became overwhelmed by choosing which information to use for my report.

The assignment called for 1-2 pages of factual and sourced information, I wrote 3 pages not including the paragraph below that I added to set my paper apart from the stack of copy pasted Wikipedia reports I assumed our instructor was tired of reading. I just wanted my paper to be something unique, what a mistake that was. In retrospect the six word editorial note written in red felt tip was the snippet of importance that made this piece of time memorable. I still couldn't tell you anything about the Wafer Cookies called Tuiles, but I distinctly remember that my history of baking report "was not a creative writing assignment".

In October of 1965, Pillsbury debuted the 14-ounce, 8 3/4-inch character in a Crescent Roll commercial. The original voice of the Doughboy was performed by the actor Paul Frees. The Doughboy's costar in the commercial was Maureen McCormick [about.com 1997]. The advertisement campaign was a huge success for Poppin, but little did he know that his success would begin fueling the fire that devoured him and everyone around him. Since the commercial debut of Pillsbury's crescent rolls, Poppin Fresh has been arrested twelve Times, visited 3 celebrity rehabilitation clinics, and lost more than 103 Million dollars in civil law suits [my imagination 2009]. In 1968 a local Miami newspaper reported the arrest of Poppin Fresh and 9 other Gingerbread suspects after a physical dispute outside a local nightclub. Poppin and the other suspects were taken into custody and charged with assault, possession of 20 ounces powdered sugar and 3 unregistered Pastry bags [just making stuff up 2009]. This incident was the first of many poor decisions made public. Another recorded incident was in 1974 when his angel shaped sugar cookie wife named Poppie, filed for a divorce. With the success of his career and his growing icon status Poppin and Poppie's divorce quickly became a public circus filled with rumor and legal posturing that lasted 6 long months. Poppie would later win a unprecedented 85 Million dollar settlement and full custody of their 3 Graham Cracker children [my imagination 2009]. Poppin would later admit his messy public divorce was his biggest regret in life besides Pillsbury's pumpkin shaped sugar cookies that tasted like candy corn and mozzarella cheese.

For some reason I have been ashamed of this well sourced report for a long time. I don't regret trying to be creative, or the amount of work put in, I was more likely embarrassed by the D given as a grade by my instructor. After all the work, research, and originality I couldn't believe that D was my grade and representation of effort. When questioned about the grade my instructor said "you didn't follow directions, I did not ask for creative writing" Not only did I do a full extra page of factual writing I also included much more information than most of the A papers, So I am left believing that my "creative writing" bothered her so much that it affected my grade.

I should probably feel cheated or wonder if a leaking cave ceiling is responsible for this Troll Woman's abrasive personality, but I cannot on both accounts. Instead I remember that between chewing rocks and the limbs of slow children this monster did mutter something about my writing being creative, and that has been taken as complimentary and confirming, almost like saying someone is an Artist after they create something or a NASA Cadet becoming an Astronaut upon entering space. So with a new found feeling of pride I am glad to share my homework with the handful of people that take time away from Sudoku or Babies in Stock Pots to read my random things.